Mr. Hangarter:

We are getting desperate. Ever since some Yank sent us this Prymaat sheila for safe-keeping, she's been driving us crazy.

She first showed up at my sheep station outside Broken Hill and I thought to myself, Hey, this ain't so bad...she might be a few sandwiches short of a good picnic, but seein' that she's the only female-type this side of Tibooburra, she'll do.

After a series of unfortunate incidents, culminating with the death of the majority of my sheep and my best jackaroo when she took it into her head to give them all a good bath (the sheep, not the jackaroo) and the hairdryer she was planning on drying the creatures' fleece with fell into the trough, electrocuting Jacky-Jacky, and shorting out me generator, which meant she couldn't dry the beasts and they caught a bad chill and were dead by morning.

So I decided to give the whole thing a miss and head for Coolgardie, outside Kalgoorlie, where me mate has a camel business catching the ferals and training them up for export to Saudi Arabia. I reckoned on sending Prymaat back to the States before crossing the Nullarbor, but she was stolen out of the back of my ute by some Greenies (Green-Peace types) over Maralinga way who wanted to use her as a figurehead (disfigurehead???) in the campaign to get the Brits to clean up their nuclear test site there.

Feeling partly responsible, and fearing that if I let her come to grief I'd never see the hundred quid the Yank promised me, I re-kidnapped her, chucked her in the back of me ute with me Bluey (Blue Heeler), a case of vegemite and a slab of the old amber fluid (beer)...(This sheila really knows how to consume Mass Quantities...) and headed off across the Treeless Plain.

Got a bit of a fright when I got out to open the Dingo Fence #1 and she was gone, but I backtracked and found her in Cocklebiddy, about to get trampled by a herd of brumbies.

Made it to Coolgardie where she seemed fine until one night I heard her shout "Be Free! Be Free!" and got up out of my swag just in time to see her shooing all the camels out of the yard into the bush. She must have felt some affinity towards them, on account of they both look mighty strange.

Anyway, I'm on my way up to Meekatharra to try my hand at gold mining. The thing is, I just couldn't keep the sheila on any longer. She's terrible homesick so I'm sending her to a flight attendent friend of mine on account of I just want her out of the country.

I'm sending a few souvenirs of her life with me, as I forgot to send them earlier.

I don't see why you want her back as she is just trouble but I'd say she'll be turning up soon.

Regards,

Banjo Patterson III